Author: Ethan

Half Waif Maypole tour at One Longfellow with Kristine Leschper, incredible, affecting performance from both and now I’m a lifelong Leschper head.

First visit to the vet with Flynn he made me so proud, everyone loved him.

In the spring I joined in on the East Bayside Neighborhood Cleanup, organized by Sam and Sam. Lowkey fun meeting people while trying to pick up every cig butt you see.

Purim Parade 2025, ambled through downtown hearing great speeches tying local history and struggles to the wider challenges we’re facing in the world.

Josh shattered one of the glass doors at work, everyone stopping what they were doing to come see. It was so cool.

Tried my best to paint a bookshelf for mom in the style of a chest of drawers that has since passed on from our family. Did a pretty damn good job.

Windier and the Broken Telescope Choir played and it was mindblowing(windblowing).

Last Cheap City show in Portland for a while.

The greatest Stone Cold Steve Austin themed local concert to ever happen (it was the first).

Noah dressed up like a Newport.

Hiked Tumbledown Mountain steep trail only to find it totally snowed in, luckily the only other people hiking were down to trailblaze an insane shimmy over some sketchy rocks to get around the snow, ate lunch with them on the peak, and shared our favorite karaoke songs.

Beautiful beautiful May Day 2025. So many people in the streets. So much energy fed into many struggles. Love the queer teen that challenged the liberals in the audience outside PHS, forcing them to confront the constant violence of this nation.

Found my love for Of Montreal thanks to a great album called Cherry Peel. Thinking of my friend Rachel from tumblr days who always tried to get me to listen to them.

Moved Flynn’s bed into the sun a lot.

Hiked Bald Pate Mountain finally on a foggy day. Saw a Pine Grouse, looked at wet moss on round stones under the shifting daylight.

Biked to the Presumpscot River Preserve many times. Walked new trails, took photos, watched the rapids roar, tried to not disturb others peace by the water while also grumbling to myself about other peoples habits with their dogs, oh well.

Got so briefly into Gaelic Football. The joy and annoyance at running around a wet field at sunset getting yelled at by middle aged men, I hadn’t experienced it since middle school football. Will return to it next season.

Noahs sober 30th with some sort of hotdog contraption and an award sash for them.

FINALLY finished A Peoples History of the United States. Howard Zinn I cant stand your opinions on socialist nations but your analysis of working class american history is solid.

Ethan Bday month 2025 total success, four whole events at Arcadia, Salmon Falls, Step Falls and Seawall beach, lots of friend time. Big thanks to Nate for being there for most of it, dragging a massive log through the saco river, throwing himself down the rockslides at step falls. The 4 trillion bug bites at Seawall beach were all worth it. Sprinting into the surf like kids, laying so still in the summer sun that the horse flies stopped seeing me, stopping for ice cream in Bath and basking in the insanity of tourists. Celebrate your birthday for a whole month and you’ll have some wonderful experiences.

Got to see Julie Doiron w Zoe. Hugging my knees to my chest, back resting against a player piano. Beautiful music from a talkative stranger reminding me of the personhood of even the most inspiring and distant artists.

July visit from Adam and Ange, two of them sleeping on an air mattress in the living room, Flynn snuggled between them. They kept me fed, walked in rhythmic step, and we all went to Dani and Diggory’s land on the 4th. Acres of mountainside wilderness, a completely undersold “shabin”(shed cabin) of incredible ingenuity, and a budding rural granola-esque community. At this point the foundation of their home was still under way…

Garden Show 2025! Beautiful music watched from the top of the shed, running into friends expected and not. The “weirdness” of Portland kept alive another year.

Got my ears pierced with Seren because why not. A tattoo from them later on to mark our just budding friendship before it became long distance.

Maine to Buffalo to Philly to Maine roadtrip 2025 (soon to be an annual tradition) all to celebrate Nicky and Adam’s all too close birthdays, while enjoying the splendor of the Keystone and Empire states. A visit to Silo City in Buffalo to see giants towering over the eastern frontier of the rustbelt. A day spent taking photos downtown, took the train in, yelled to some kids who heckled me from a parking garage roof, walked around beautiful Buffalo City Hall asking people if I can peak out the windows near the top, enjoyed so much vegan food, visited the haunted Richard Olmsted Complex, more and more time with their lovely friends, and celebrated the man’s bday at Crystal beach in Ontario.

And then on the road, down through the finger lakes, stopped at Watkins Glen (thanks for the rec grace) to be mindblown and so overwhelmed by tourists I hit my head on a rock so hard it bled, oh well. A night camping in Rickett’s Glen, an amish family 4 sites over (didnt know they did that), a middle aged brother and sister next door (arguing a lot), I sat by the lake at sunset, reheated pizza over the fire, and then a bear sauntered through the campgrounds around midnight, sniffing heavily outside of my tent. On the road again, a quick stop in at Delaware water gap (thanks lin) that left me drenched in sweat, gave strangers the wrong directions, and met a shit ton of appalachian hikers, as well as a stop at Apport books in Allentown (thanks emily) that left me with Pynchon and Max Weber.

Finally arrived in Philly that evening, birthday ice cream, helped set up a Midsommar themed party where half of us avoided watching the movie playing in the background, met many more friends of my friends, grabbed gelato with Dylan because Nika isn’t wrong when she calls the city “basically the south”. And then the long long long road back home again, but not without a quick visit to Monique and Junie in Prov.

Maine Reptile Expo with Jak, one booth was entirely ai generated photos, very cool. Pet a rambunctious tortoise.

THE WORLDS LARGEST BOUNCE HOUSE at cumberland fairgrounds, it was overpriced, there was little safety oversight, the DJ got annoyed someone threw inflatable balls at him and sicced security on them, jak got fed up with the 3 dollar waters and commandeered a booth to start giving them away for free, I got WAY too hyper at every opportunity.

Peace Ridge Horse Sanctuary with mom and grandmother. Grammy kept pulling grass up to “feed” the horses despite 1. Rules against it 2. The abundance of food the horses have. Juvenile horse bit mom’s hand, 5 minutes later they were buddies. These are the people who raised me.

Farewell Aidan party because he’s a trainhopping hooligan. Half dozen of us gathered around a lamp on the shore of Fore River, open bag of gummy worms and the distant airport lights blinking

Yearly staff outing to Peaks Island. No one got drunk this time but I shoplifted a good fridge magnet and we all prank called the intercom at work multiple times.

DORA’S 30TH

What can even be said to capture such an event. To describe it in a semi permanent way would be doing it an injustice. I’ll leave it at this: You’re trapped on an island for a weekend as a storm rolls in, but it’s all wind and sunshine the whole time. Escapades to spot seals, burlesque dancers arriving by night, rock painting, sun bathing, wish granting and lots of coffee. Every morning you wake up, pee in a bush, and wander down to the transplanted mediterranean beachside club called “The Sunken Lounge”. We haven’t invented words to accurately describe this experience yet, maybe next millenia.

So soon after it’s BEN’S 30TH. Homemade, impromptu, but oh so dear and celebratory. Not to mention a surprise. We wander out of the woods as he reads his banner. Theres a newborn, some pairs of lovers, and the rest of us jokers gathered to celebrate this man in the late summer sun.

Made Namoura cake, Hibiscus agua fresca, cranberry oatmeal cookies, and che troi nuoc all many times to share with others as food is meant to be.

Bread and Puppets keeping the world weird and political.

Harvest Party 2025, one more trip to Buffalo for the year. Beautiful music, a heated chess match, my first time seeing Niagara Falls.

Contra Dance on Dani and Diggory’s land, their foundation now finished and newly floored. The sun slowly set as music kept playing, strangers passed between eachothers arms.

Went to my first Alex G show in years with Colleen and Zoe, dinner with Rachel beforehand to hear about her new Boston life, DELICIOUS food from Myanmar, and then the concert full of zoomers, yelled “live in the moment!” at their raised phone screens. I’m officially chopped/unc/cooked/etc.

Got really into crosswords after solving one at the contra. Have since taken a break.

Bought a BEAUTIFUL new couch courtesy of Zeph and Dimitri. Flynn loves it so much he puked a little on it one time.

SECRET MIDNIGHT BIKE RACE 5, this time we finally did checkpoints and I’m not sure if it worked but it was funny. Dora and Colleen met (one of my most cherished joys, introducing dear friends), and Colleen hid in the bed of Dora’s ranger for a drive across town

Bought a capybara lawn ornament from a street vendor. He tried to ask for $180 when I asked about the 3 foot Sonic the hedgehog. No thanks I said.

Corn maze with pals, got too hyper again kept running away from them, throwing corn full speed at Noah’s head. Took it out on the pneumatic spud gun ($10 per bucket of spuds).

Solidarity Conference Lewiston, great DSA event, highlight was the Angusisdead and Analog Film performances though. Punk is alive and well forever and ever.

Final Dani and Diggory land visit. Helped them seal up the cabin frame for the winter, ate delicious parsnip soup crowded in the shabin. Privileged to see the land in 3 seasons.

Nika and Nicky visited town and finally got to experience the best bar on earth, CBG.

The many movies I watched on my couch or at the Nick or at the PMA.

Gave up spotify finally, found joy in discovering music with less reliance on algorithms. Admittedly I spent too much money on bandcamp before having to set a monthly limit for myself.

Bought plane tickets to China with Ben! Stay tuned for my best of ‘26 list.

For Christmas I made cakes for my family.

Started the process of building this scrap lumber website shed for my writing.

Currently reading: Infinite Detail by Tim Maughan and Glitch Feminism by Legacy Russell

Currently listening: Dire Straits self titled, “if the accident will” by Band Argument, Tatsuro Yamashita In Focus on NTS Radio.

It’s a Saturday night amidst the final throes of winter, slushy snow covers the medians and parks, but I’m thinking of throwing a picnic next weekend. I’m standing in the crowd at the Apohadion, watching Cheap City play their last Portland show ever. Red Eft is up next with some (to me) new material, I’d got here just in time to see Angusisdead close out their opening set with a rendition of “Home on the Range”. I’d hustled downhill from Cumberland Ave where I was seeing a homecoming set by Ruune (playing as Bentabia Beacon Bezalel) and Windier’s new lineup, complete with a choir to finish out the show a la Mount Eerie’s “Singers”. I’ll buy many CDs at both shows as I’d both ended my spotify subscription months prior, and recently went to a planning board meeting for a proposed Live Nation owned venue downtown, producing a mix of communal connection and anxiety for Portland’s music scene in me.

So I was at two shows on a Saturday night, watching friends and strangers crane their necks in singing and thrash their bodies in creative passion. Collaboration and imagination brought them onto these small stages, playing music for people that know their lives and don’t, and they probably felt nervous or unsure of how it would go and maybe they’d even had moments of realizing everything would be all right because it’s inevitably about a bit of vulnerability anyways, and everyone in the audience knew that on some level too. It all collided in my head with the opening of Tarkovsky’s The Sacrifice (tried to watch the previous evening, only got through two scenes before realizing I should sleep), 10 minutes of two men and a child wandering through a seaside field in Sweden, filmed from a distance, as well as a Wallace Shawn essay I’d read weeks prior where he talks about the source of vulnerability he pulls from as an actor, and how he feels it allows actors to truly see how easy it would be for the world to be radically different, we’re all just wearing costumes and living by a script after all. The insight’s in these two thoughts, to be a person pretending in a field while someone films you from yards away, and to cultivate vulnerability and possibility so consistently that you understand that it’s hidden in everyone, mixed with seeing people I know embody this creative openness in our community, it all finally gave me a shove or slap that said “write something, put it somewhere, show people, rinse repeat”.

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Now answering that call by posting on Substack feels a bit silly. These internet platform avenues feel cheap and hollow at times for exhibiting artistic expression. Like an art gallery set up in a mall kiosk. But even that art in a kiosk is helping someone practice vulnerability, it just becomes a problem when that art is only shown in kiosks. Substack was founded by tech guys, not creatives. The company got in hot water last year for maintaining an alleged “no censorship” stance that has allowed white supremacists to utilize the platform for spreading their views. They were also propositioned with a buyout by Musk in 2023, which they turned down for now. That’s all to say it is, as usually, blisteringly clear how this is yet another platform that does not have the interests of its users, or artists in general, at heart. You are reading my writing within the confines of a sort of online mall (I borrow the analogy from Ben Tarnoff). We are indeed at the mall kiosk right now, lets just promise each other that we won’t stay here for long. Not to mention, this kiosk we call Substack will inevitably be consumed by the venture capital that jumpstarted it. For the time being though, I find it somewhat more useful than the alternatives.

I feel very inspired by the newsletters I follow on here (my friend Cam has a great one that was ultimately the catalyst to me writing this now years later), but I’m not sure if that’s an avenue I’d pursue consistently. I imagine I will post poetry and maybe the occasional short fiction and talk about life or my process in between those. Speaking of which I’ll share some old poetry here for the sake of giving it a spot outside my notebooks.

—————————————————————————————————-

I wrote this one along with two others for a little zine I threw together for Night Market back in 2023. The three of them (“Where we are”, “Where we were”, “Where we’re going”) were kind of just me playing with talking to the reader, specifically about the event we were both experiencing. I liked this one the most because I’m a sucker for short rhyming poems.

                                                       Where We’re Going
                                                           
                                                           Life changes
                                                             Rearranges
                                              Never the same person twice  

                                                             Moving on
                                                          Another yawn
                                                       Still, we always try  

                                                      Remember this day
                                                        Stay blown away
                                             Through dark nights of thunder  

                                                 Your world will expand
                                                    Even if you just stand
                                             Oo-ing and ah-ing in wonder.

This next one I wrote for Harvest Party 2024 (a beautiful yearly party my friends Adam and Ange put on). Essentially everyone contributes a dish or song or whatever and the most beloved contribution gets the “Bringer of Bounty” crown and everything. It’s very sweet. You might be asking why I would share a contribution so tied to the experience of this party between friends. Well if I had won Bringer of Bounty this poem would stay in my journal to be cherished only as a memory for the rest of my days. But I didn’t win it (a frankly incredible song inspired by The Brothers Grimm did), so why can’t I get some more attention from it, huh?

Friendship is a fruit of harvest

When the time comes

We are both bulb in the earth

And hands plunging into soil



Lifted into a wider, sunlit world

Speckled, never judged

Only appreciated and coveted



Held by another, held by ourselves

We harvest and are in turn harvested

Digging each other out into new life



These fruits do not fall from the sky

They require:

Patience of the sower

Diligence of the rain

Warmth of the sun



So we look around the room

Or out into golden plots



A bountiful field,

A friends smile

All a mirror of quartz

This next one is a poem I only really shared on a side Instagram account like 5 years ago (why was this a thing). I like the rhythm of it though and it’s one of those that I reread every once in a while.

Thread Spinning

Lepidium at daybreak

Hummock that we grew up on

Morphology of the rock wall

In the woods



I took a picture here

In this warm spot

Four years before i lived

Six blocks away



That rendered

Horse of polygons

Hoof planted

In the wet beach sand

Which is only numbers after all



I’m busy watching this

So I’ll call you in a bit

We’ll talk again in a week

And three days

Once the children are asleep



You’ll spend your time

Rubbing hands on denim

Fingernail picking

At hangnail



What am I thinking?

Of ambivalent pressure,

Uncommitted hatred,

And of course the pain

In our muscles



Until then

Check out the rooftops,

The game of pass,

And the bay window that

Will never be

Lastly, I’ll share a couple that I wrote the other day. Thanks for reading!

Hands Cradle Head

On my dry hands

Blue ink of ideas

Wart patch

Steamed bath

And a waddling

cat



In my head

Old faces

Important tasks

Dreams rubbed raw

Like pate of buddha, sit tall



Within my phone

Unfocused swirl

Exhaustive list

Warm fires

And stole soul silhouettes



Like figures on a hillside

Strange and concerning

Familiar and full

of possibility



In hands in head



Saw myself in another


Her distance was mine

Her clinging to strangers

Lackadaisical twirling

Past future

present yearning



It was all mine

Reflected by a being

Of molten

Glass burning

Unknowably vast



Eyes tricked me

Cast me as a unique

Subterranean beast

Gazing upon spinning

Shining beauties

In the sun



But I am one

too. Yet the only

way to see me

is in the eyes

of you



Currently listening to: Joni Mitchell's "Hejira" in the car, Baths' "Gut" from the phone, Squeeze's "East Side Story" at home
Currently reading: Jenny Hval's "Paradise Rot" and churning through final pages of Zinn's "A Peoples History..."

Meeting my neighbors who are twins and drive identical 2010 mustangs

Helping my twin mustang neighbors push one of their cars uphill during a snowstorm (nightmare)

Joining Saeng Thai’s Pad Thai Club

Marginally improving my French with fridge poetry en français

When Hashbrown Hank got reincarnated at work

Exploring the Wiss w/ Nika, Nicky and Juniper

Stardew Valley live as the only person not cosplaying

Daisy Mae climbing on my shoulders like every year

Forcing my family to start playing Catan at every gathering

The end(for now) of Trivia Ecstasy

Celebrating Nika’s 30th at Trestle Inn, standing at knee level to talented go-go dancers

Exploring the Wiss w/ Ben

MILLINOCKECLIPSE 2024 w/ Jak and Quinn

The crazy deployable motorized telescope we saw at the eclipse

Also the cloudburster

Trying and failing to get Quinn + Jak to get into The Skeleton Realm on our 7 hour drive back south

Amiright? covering “Carry the zero”

Buying a cast iron

Conjured the best vegan matzo ball soup I’ve made yet

Hiking Sawyer Mountain in the mist, christening my cars emergency poncho

Running around the green green trails behind evergreen cemetery, startling people despite my best efforts to announce my presence

Delivering extra homemade banana bread from work to my family members like a sort of banana bread elf

Meeting dirt covered cat outside Peaks Island flea market named “Mr.Kitty”

Going on a picnic date, asking a random stranger if he knew why its called “key lime pie”. The stranger informing us happily.

Returning to film photography after endlessly researching point and shoot cameras as if it matters!

Buying a purple suit

Sunrise hike in Sedona w/ Nicky, frantically but discreetly googling if we were going to get mauled by a cougar

Cliff jumping into Oak creek in front of a bajillion people

Vegan italian sandwich at the Woodfords Corner farmers market (1 of 2 in 2024)

The best wedding of the century/millennium/all time in the verdant heart of the Wissahickon valley

Angusisdead and others at Bandsaw RIP, took a photo that was way too loud, everyone looked at me, placing bets on the automated mario party match in the next room

Hiking Baldpate Preserve mistaking it for Baldpate Mountain

Birthday at Scarborough beach

Watching Colleen and Adrian go INSANE on hockey foosball

Brattleboro camping w/ Dylan, Kira, Adam + Ange, it rained, we walked, saw Allegra Krieger, stood outside the library, practiced fake hitting our heads running into street signs, swam in freezing but clear water

Buying a bike from a man set up in a storage unit, he talked my ear off for 2 hours while he tuned it for me, about his bike touring of the continent, his time spent protesting the nuclear plant in Wiscasset, his theories about how Hannaford employees are attracted to him

Foggy hike over Morse Mountain, walked along Seawall Beach with 10~ feet of visibility, swimming in the ocean felt like i was in a void with children’s voices muffled in the distance, wild amount of horseflies

Meeting THE baby grandma

Hiking Burnt Meadow Mountain, slightly more pleased in the trail marking than usual

Seeing Ovlov + Mannequin Pussy, was too fragile for the pit

Reading Tove Jansson’s The Summer Book in the summer and thinking about island life and skiffs and the gulf of Finland

Seeing LVL UP reunion show, surviving insane Flatbush drivers, giving Quinn heart attack because I’m no better

Riding bike to swim in the river, falling ass first into the Presumpscot 3 times minimum

GOURDFEST 2024, me desperately trying to paint the most subtly fucked up shit on the community painting canvas, no one finding it that fucked up

Getting stuck in the Rockies w/ Nik for hours, eating ramen, looking at the Gunnison river

TELLURIDE FILM FEST 2024, meeting delusional rich people, making 115 in tips driving them, seeing incredible movies, eating my weight in fig bars, avoiding the altitude sickness, enjoying cousin time, feeling small in such a tall box canyon

Going to equally incredible wedding of the century/millennium/all time on the shores of the beautiful Penobscot bay

Peace Ridge Animal Sanctuary with mom, petting the coarse, prickly bristles of some loud pigs, meeting some elderly sheep, taking pictures of the biggest cows I’ve ever seen, all very happy

HARVEST PARTY 2024 in buffalo, getting to see Adam and Ange’s beautiful life and meet their kind friends

Playing Bananagrams

Almost winning Bringer of Bounty, maybe next year

Organizing union social, a cat named Stanley showing up, others did too

Meeting Stanley 2 more separate times

Adopting Flynn Flynn

Assembling a crackpot team of safety experts for SECRET MIDNIGHT BIKE RACE 4

Hiking Baldpate Preserve on purpose this time

Seeing Trace Mountains for free (guest list life)

Seeing wild turkeys in the West End (they live there, a passerby told me)

Knocking doors for Wes and Grayson

Scaring the ducks at Giant’s stairs

Going on a vegan food frenzy w/ Monique in Providence

Eating another vegan italian sandwich from PVD (2 of 2 in 2024)

Enjoying the “ducky” tags on the crosswalks around the east end

JakMak 30th birthday surprise that I didn’t do any work for but got to enjoy

Making a book club with mom to help her get through all the damn books I’ve bought her

Embracing my rooneyhead qualities and pre-ordering her latest book (it was all right)

Running errands with Al

Watching Robocop twice

All the tall clouds that were over my head

All the meals I made for people I love

Some edits: I thought of more nice memories and would be remiss to not include them

Sharing albums w/ Emily over text. So far Blue Gene Tyranny, The Big Net, and Prefab Sprout for her and New Fast Automatic Daffodils and Jeff Wayne’s War of the Worlds Musical for me.

Zoe’s moonlit birthday, ocean chill, card headlights blinding us from across the water, getting the pleasure of meeting her beau she talks so much about

Quinn and I stopping in West Haven to visit Fatmir, diner food like usual and a stop by the West Haven Beach, following the path trying to find an old geocache he’d found there once (no luck), sitting on a bench, taking a couples photo for them, walking barefoot through warm salt water and mucky sand

Hello this is the first post ever.